He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
