my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
