The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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