I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
