Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
