oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize