Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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