Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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