My liver just broke up with me...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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