508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize