you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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