he wants to bone in the snuggie
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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