ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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