Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Oh god it's open bar.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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