We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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