What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
