No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
