Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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