if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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