Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
ttyl tear gas
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
