i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
