We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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