apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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