I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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