I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize