Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
