Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize