Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
