Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
