What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I supernannyed him into submission
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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