Why are handjobs necessary in class?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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