She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
