my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
