My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
third nipple confirmed
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
