I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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