I wish I could punch you in the face.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We need to get me chipped asap
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
