i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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