Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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