Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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