I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
