I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
