everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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