i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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