I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize