Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
