I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
