True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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