then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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