got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
smell my finger.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
