Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
