you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
