Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If its not for food we ain't going out.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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