i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize