I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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