She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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