sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
