Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
