Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
