It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
