He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
