i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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