Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
