I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
