So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
So apparently I’m into choking now
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