What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
