just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
