i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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