Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
