So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
