I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize