It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
