What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
