I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
