ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
