I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
