you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
